With Father's Day upon us this weekend, I'd be amiss if I didn't acknowledge those of us who's Dads aren't around for a host of reasons. They may have passed on, you may have never met him, He may have left you, you may be estranged from Him or just have a rocky relationship. Either way, the Dad wound runs deep for a lot of us & this weekend will tug on the hearts of many, Mine included. Let's dig a little deeper to find out how God wants to fill this void & heal this wound.
If you haven't read it, there's an awesome book I came across called, "A Dad shaped Hole in my Heart." You can check it out here if you're interested. What a game changer. It propelled me into my next level of healing that I was avoiding for quite some time. If you feel like you need a therapist but haven't mustered up the courage to make an appointment yet, this book is just as good as any therapist session. I couldn't get through it without balling my eyes out. It struck so many nerves. But it got me to shift my perspective a bit. Made me a bit softer towards my own Dad & helped me stop blaming him so much for the hurt I felt he caused me. Sometimes if we stop to pause to ask more questions, maybe it would have us admit that we could be a bit more gracious. Questions like, who taught your Dad to be a Dad? What was life like for him around the time of your birth? Was he terrified to be a father? Was he trying to be there for you and maybe your Mom pushed him away? It happens. The fact of the matter is, this problem we have in our culture, with the breakdown of the family unit didn't just start recently. This has gone back generations. If someone isn't taught something, then that task will more times than not be executed very poorly, if executed at all. While I was busy being upset at my Dad for ruining my self esteem with his overly critical comments over the years and busy being upset that he wasn't emotionally present, the Lord had to remind me of some things that I want to share with you. Maybe it will help the relationship with your father, or at least bring a bit of peace to your heart and mind for not having much of a relationship at all.
1. Even if your Dad was perfect, He's still not GOD
Things never work out well when we put God like expectations on mere humans. People are just people, they aren't God and will never be. They will never fill the void that God was meant to fill. Please remember that. They will never satisfy the longing that only God can satisfy. Even if my Dad was "perfect", he'd still fall short in many areas. Even if I had the Dad of my dreams, he would still let me down in some way, because he was never meant to be my everything. Growing up dads are supposed to be protectors, providers and teachers. My Dad did this to the best of his ability, I really do believe that. Knowing that, I think I can finally cut him some slack on not being perfect. The verse John 16:33 comes to mind, Jesus never promised us an easy life, or perfect parents for that matter. But He did promise, to step in where they left off.
2. "Perfect" Dads still have imperfections
Talking with some of my friends about their dads who seem so nice, personable and supportive, I was shocked to realize even they had some issues growing up too. One friend described her dad as "way too passive". So yea, he seemed "nice" but was really so passive he never spoke up on much, this translated into him not being the most protective. Another friend who had a great relationship with her dad, admitted that once he passed away, she had to reframe her view of God. She was so used to her dad being her everything for her, that once he wasn't around she had to learn how to trust God for everything that was always taken care of by her father. Isn't that something? There's always two sides to every coin.
3. My expectations weren't realistic
I hear it said often, stop expecting so much and you won't ever be let down. To be honest, I still struggle with this. I'm an overly optimistic person sometimes. I believe the best of people even when they don't display it and I would do this with my Dad too. We go really long periods of time between our interactions. I do this mostly for boundary enforcement but more so to protect my emotions because every time I talk to him, he says something hurtful or inconsiderate of my feelings. For a long time, I kept thinking, ok its been X amount of years since we last spoke. Now maybe THIS time he'll see the light. Maybe THIS time he'll be different and be that loving sensitive supportive Dad I've always dreamt him to be! Nope! That's not what I got, ever. He's the same old harsh critical person he's always been. I realized I had to stop expecting him to be any different. He is who he is. He's approaching 80yrs old soon, and let's be real, unless the Lord gets a hold of his hardened heart, he will most likely always be that way. It's unfortunate and a shame but this is the reality of who I have as a Dad. You can't choose your parents, and this is the Dad I got. Knowing this, at least I'm not ending up in tears of disappointment after every encounter. It took me years to get to this place but it's helped me a lot to begin living in my reality.
To those of you who's Dads you never met or skipped out on you when you were young, I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. That must hurt. Please don't for one second believe that it had anything to do with you though. So many of people's bad treatment of us has SO much to do with them way more than us and anything we could've done. Them leaving has nothing to do with how lovable you are. Don't equate their absence with your worth. Know that God in His mercy was sparing you from the additional heartache of having a troubled individual father you. It may have been hard times without him but he could've possibly caused even more trouble if he was present. I pray God sends you a father figure fill-in, in the meantime.
To those of you who's Dads have passed away, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that's like and I won't begin to try. I know you never really get over it. You just learn to live on with the pain. Please remember all the good times you had together. Please honor his legacy by living your best life, Jesus style.
For those of you with the estranged or rocky relationships, Know that you are blessed that you even know your father or had the chance to meet him. If there were any, please remember all the good memories as well. The times he was trying, even if you felt it wasn't good enough. The time he showed up to your games at school, the times he helped you with your homework, the times he picked you up when your car broke down, or gave you instructions over the phone for how to find the highway before GPS was even a thing. The times he taught you something, anything at all, even modeling a decent work ethic. Try to remember at least one good thing he's done over the years, even if you were really little when he did it.
A lot of healing happens when there's a perspective shift. When we break free from feeling sorry for ourselves to moving to a place of acceptance. A lot of our fathers have caused us significant emotional, mental and even physical abuse. Some of that abuse was intentional unfortunately, but even if it wasn't, it still hurts just the same. I'm not pardoning the damage that was done, but I am encouraging you to bring it to the Lord. Lay the bad memories down at his feet. Lay the anger down as well. Make the distinction between God and your Dad and know that there is no comparison of our earthly fathers to our Heavenly Father. God wants to father you in the way you've been missing all these years. He wants to show you how He can be there for you, even when your dad isn't.
Thanks for hearing me out Honeys. I know this wound in particular hurts different. It either hurts so bad we've become numb and indifferent to it, or the wound is just as fresh as the day it was inflicted and the ache still lingers. Either way, I invite you to allow God into that hurtful place.
My prayer for you is that as you begin to trust Him to fill this void, that anger towards your own Dad would be released and that God would align you with a father type in your own personal circle. Whether that be a church elder like mine, (Shoutout to Brother Jesus!), or an uncle, a grandfather, a big brother, or anyone else. I pray that He aligns you with someone to help fill in the gap of that earthly Dad void. I'm praying for you all this Father's Day. Thanks for the support, Please give us a follow on IG here & until next time,
Happy Healing!
Love,
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